


Secrets I have held in my heart (are harder to hide than I thought)

by Brain_Brainson



Series: Real Names, Fake Names, Chosen Names [4]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, as always nb Five but it's not the focus in this one, split in two chapters because otherwise it'd be too long, suicide mention?, tell me if I need to add something, the hargreeves trying to work through their issues, they talk a bit about Ben but nothing major
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-13 14:42:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18033650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brain_Brainson/pseuds/Brain_Brainson
Summary: Your Family is caught up in some emotional bullshit and everyone is ignoring each other and it’s making you feel things you don’t wanna feel?Well, what the fuck do you do then?





	1. If I could go back (just for a night)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I just wrote 7k of hurt/comfort (that started out with me wanting mindless fluff) and I'm not even done with the installment so I figured why not split this in two?
> 
> Me: My Luther centric stuff wasn't that popular  
> My Luther loving ass: More Luther/Five interactions!
> 
> Enjoy anyway (hopefully)!

The sleeping becomes a regular thing. Well, sleeping itself is something that needs to happen sooner or later, even though Five tried to go without it on multiple occasions. They managed three days and most of that time is messy and filled with memories of what could only have been really terrifying hallucinations. 

 

After seeing kid Vanya with Delores’ head and Pogo singing some French song for the third time, Five had gone the Fuck to sleep. They don’t even know any French. 

 

But them crawling into bed next to Vanya every night had now changed to them _and_ _Luther_ crawling into bed with Vanya every night. 

Since that first time, Luther just kept ending up in Vanya’s room anyway, usually with Five up and ready to kick his ass before he even got a word out. 

 

After about the 4th incident that ended with Luther flat on his ass - Five had swiped his feet out under his body and even super strength cannot help you when you’re losing your balance - Vanya had sat up, looking like she was genuinely angry, which was a bit like an urban legend, really. Vanya and angry doesn’t go together that well. 

 

_ ‘Unless she’s using her powers to kill innocent people.’ _

 

But anyway, Vanya had been annoyed with the both of them and now Luther had the official permission to always sleep at Vanya’s place if he wanted to. “You don’t need to wake us and ask,” Vanya had said and Five hadn’t corrected her that they would wake up anyway, dreams too light and thoughts too dark to shut out the noise of footsteps approaching. “You can just lay down. You can even start sleeping here in the first place.”

 

Well, and that’s the story of how Five ended up sharing a single bed with two people.

It worked out well enough, but some days Five wished they wouldn’t wake up everyday to Luther’s morning breath wafting into their face. Then again it was kinda comforting, being shielded from both sides and hearing someone else move and turn around on the mattress, a reminder that Five wasn’t alone in this world anymore. 

 

But as it is in a house with a lot of people - 4 of those being your nosy as fuck siblings - their sleeping arrangement didn’t stay a secret for long. Not that they were trying hard to keep it one. They just didn’t talk about it in front of the others. Or at all. 

Some things would just turn bad if you talked it dead, no need for that. 

 

Besides, Five doesn’t think any of them are able to properly express why cramping together in a tiny bed makes Luther seem more relaxed than ever, shoulders hanging low and tone less snappy and authoritative than before. Or Vanya smile more often and carry herself in a way that indicates she finally realized that there’s some weight to her existence. 

 

Or actually allows Five to sleep mostly in peace and through the whole night, without waking up every other hour, desperate to make sure that they are still  _ there _ and not back, laying in the ruins of a house, wind sweeping over them and making them freeze. Now it only takes a hand wrapped around their wrist and the feeling of someone breathing on their neck and Five is grounded again, enough to not worry themself into a frenzy. 

 

The others must have noticed their change in behaviour or at least the very obvious fact that come nighttime, Luther never actually left with them anymore, hanging back and waiting until the others filled out before getting a spare pillow out of the closet and getting comfortable next to Five, Vanya usually still fiddling with this or that before joining them. 

 

Because after about a week, Klaus came stomping into Vanya’s room, determined look on his face and a teddy bear in his arms. Behind him, Ben was struggling very obviously with pushing a mattress through the door frame. “It’s not fair that you get to have sleepovers every night. We want in,” he had declared and it felt so much like they were really 13 again that Five nearly started laughing. 

 

“Why are you holding Mr. Cuddles? Didn’t you stop sleeping with him when we turned like, 10?” Luther had helped Ben with the mattress, Ben pushing and Luther pulling until the mattress was freed, bouncing forward and nearly knocking Luther over. 

 

“I may have stopped using Mr. Cuddles but I never stopped loving him.” The plushie was pressed tightly to Klaus chest, face squishing up while Klaus pulled a face rather dramatically. “Got a problem with that?”

 

Luther had shook his head no and ignored Klaus poking at his chest to set the mattress down properly. Ben had left the room, only to come back with two sets of pillows and a blanket and no one had really argued when he had laid down on the mattress without another word, pulling Klaus down with him. 

They had gone to sleep quickly, tangled up in each other and Mr. Cuddles squished between them and Five’s heart swelled up looking at their brothers, so peaceful, even after all the shit they had went through.

 

Well and after that it was really only a matter of time before Diego started lounging around the room too. Especially because no one ever bothered to put the mattress to the side. It was just laying there all the time, leaving Ben’s bed barren, making it all too obvious that no one deemed it fit anymore to actually sleep in their assigned beds. 

 

The mattress made it harder to move around that much and Five felt bad for Vanya, who used to practice the violin standing in the middle of the room but now couldn’t even place the music stand anywhere because not only was a mattress in the way, no, Klaus had also decided to move as much crap from his room to Vanya’s as humanly possible.

 

But Vanya didn’t seem to mind that much, even smiling when she was actively stumbling over whatever Klaus had just left laying on the ground. And when Luther had offered that she could always practice in his room and Ben had agreed, deciding that it would be easy enough to move his bed out of the way now that only the frame was left, Vanya had actually cried, tears silently running down her cheeks while she smiled like crazy, grin so wide it nearly split her face in two. 

 

Vanya had moved everything she needed for practice to Ben’s room, violin music filling the air like always, only this time coming from a whole other direction than normally and around the same time, Diego had started sneaking around the door in the evening, walking by way too often than strictly necessary and being reluctant on leaving. 

 

He’d never said anything, just looked on with his puppy eyes and lingering on the bed when Allison was getting up to go to her room before pushing himself away from the mattress and trailing after her slowly, one tiny step in front of the other.

Just like tonight. 

 

He is about to walk out the door looking all miserable when Klaus grabs him by his ankle. “You can stay if you want to,” he says, body twisted in a way that has to be uncomfortable to properly look up at Diego. Diego only stares on, mouth slightly open. 

 

Five rolls their eyes from where they’re sitting on the bed, cross-legged inbetween Luther and Ben, close enough to actually have their leg partially on top of Luther's. “Do you need an invitation? Just plant your ass on the mattress, D.”

 

Diego actually sits down at that, but he still looks a bit unsure. Vanya gets up, pushing Klaus’ legs from her lap. “I’m gonna go get you a blanket,” she says, already halfway out the door. Diego nods at that but the others don’t pay her any mind, staring at Five. “What?”

 

“You just called Diego a nickname,” Ben explains from their left. When Five looks, he’s grinning and sharing obvious looks with Klaus. Little shit.

 

“I did not,” Five defends themself, but they know they did. Five didn’t really think about it, it just….slipped out. They were just so relaxed, Ben leaning into them and Luther talking to them and the sound of Vanya and Klaus laughing filling the air and Five had felt...safe. And happy. 

 

And apparently that translates to using shitty nicknames like they’re in a cheesy rom-com or whatever. 

 

“You totally did!” Klaus looks gleeful, flailing his arms around. His pale, unscarred arms, no tattoos or punctures that tell a story Five never actually heard but always suspected. It kinda makes their (totally not fake to begin with) outrage dissipate. Just vanish into thin air. 

 

“You called him D! Which is - just by the way - a terrible nickname. Unless you were referring to his actual D, which would make this whole conversation a bit awkward-”

 

Fuck love and compassion, Five is going to kill their brother. 

 

“Shut it, Klaus.” It’s Diego who saves them - not just Five but them all - from having this really weird talk in the first place. Five throws a pillow after Klaus anyway. Just for good measure. 

 

“It’s cool if you wanna call- if you wanna call me a nickname.” Diego smiles at them and Five hasn’t forgotten how Diego had comforted them, arms tight around their back, radiating a warmth that Five had yearned for all their life and will probably never possess. Not themself anyway. 

But maybe they can have some of that warmth directed at them some more, now that Five is actually around and definitely doesn’t plan on ever leaving again. 

 

“If Diego has a nickname, I want one, too.” Five is ready to roll their eyes at Klaus again but belatedly realizes that Luther is talking, raising his eyebrows at Diego. Diego flips him off and Luther laughs and it’s the most relaxed Five has ever seen the two of them around each other. 

 

But then Diego suggests Luther’s nickname should be ‘monkey man’ and the room tenses up immediately. Klaus actually hits the back of Diego’s head when they all see how Luther freezes up, eyes firmly locked on his hands. 

He just shrugs his shoulders when Diego mutters “Sorry” into the silence and Five hears the slap when Klaus hits Diego again. But they are focused on Luther, mind running on how to make him feel better. 

 

Ben reaches over Five to touch Luther’s shoulder and Five is glad that Ben is there, actually,  _ physically _ there. He always had an affinity for reading people, understanding what they needed and how to make it easier for them, taking the weight off them. 

Maybe if any of the others were that focused on someone else’s problems instead their own, someone would’ve noticed what was really up with Ben before they had to scrape his remnants of the asphalt but hey, Five only blames them a little, really. 

 

At least they were around at all. 

 

Someone is poking their stomach and Five snatches back into reality, looking up to see that Klaus is in a sitting position now, hand outstretched and expression open. “Right, Five?” 

 

“Huh?” Five has no clue what Klaus was babbling on about. 

 

“I said that now that we are here, saving the world and all, we can totally prevent Luther from transforming like that, right?” Klaus waves his hand like he’s stating a well-known fact, gaze flicking towards Luther. “I mean, why not fuck the original timeline? Besides: Ben is alive so I don’t think Luther keeping his body is a completely mental idea.”

 

Klaus is talking how he always talks: Sure of himself and his words and convinced that no one will argue with him. But his smile falters a bit after realizing that Five hasn’t agreed with him yet and that the other boys don’t comment at all, no one looking him in the eye. Five’s throat feels dry.

 

Klaus stops smiling entirely. “I hope there’s a good explanation why all of you react like that.”

 

Five looks at their brothers but Luther is keeping his head down resolutely and Diego has his head turned away, like he doesn’t wanna be part of the conversation. Only Ben meets his gaze. 

 

Ben is also the first one to speak. 

 

“Time is complex and messing with it is tricky. I mean, you know how hard it was for Five to get back to us. And what a mess preventing the apocalypse was. Is. We still haven’t actually figured out how to stop it-”

 

Klaus interrupts him. “Are you being serious right now?” He looks at Ben, jaw set and eyes hard. “What do you want to say? Do you wanna die again? Is that it? Can’t wait until you can fuck off again, can you?”

 

Ben doesn’t answer. 

 

Klaus looks to Five sharply. “And you,” he says, and Five actually recoils at his tone. “You’ll just let it happen? All this high and mighty talk: ‘I came back to save you all, now pucker up and kiss my ass’ but you don’t actually wanna save us all, don’t you? Would be too much work, right?” There are tears in Klaus’ eyes but he doesn’t take his eyes off Five. “I was wrong; you didn’t change at all.”

 

He’s up and gone without another word, taking his blanket and Mr. Cuddles with him. 

 

“I’m gonna…..,” Ben mumbles but he doesn’t say anything else, getting off the mattress and walking out the door without looking at either of them, ducking briefly to snatch his pillow too. Diego doesn’t even bother talking at all, only leaves, lingering in the doorway for a moment to look over at Luther, mouth working, but he just shakes his head, disappearing into the hallway. 

 

When Vanya comes back - folded blanket under her arm and a plate with sandwiches in her hands - the mattress is still there, taking up most of the floor like always, but it’s empty, a pillow the only thing left on it. Five believes its Klaus’ and he has the urge to punch it. Or hug it. Maybe both.

 

Vanya doesn’t ask what happened, doesn’t even raise an eyebrow, only leaves the sandwiches on her desk and strides over to the bed. Neither Luther nor Five complain when she shuts off the light, burrowing under the blanket. 

 

For the first time since their sleeping arrangement started, they sleep turned away from each other, mindful not to touch. Five feels Luther moving away in the middle of the night, opting to sleep on the mattress instead of next to them. 

 

They feel their eyes sting. 

 

* * *

 

 

So just when it was about to get better, life turns to utter shit again. Five really shouldn’t be that surprised. 

 

The situation is tense, so to say. Klaus ignores all of them, Ben is unusually quiet, Luther and Allison aren’t even in the same room most days and surprisingly Diego is the one trying to brush over all the awkwardness. If he manages to make it past his stutter, that is. 

 

Even Vanya - good old gentle Vanya - seems upset. Five doesn’t get why, it’s not like she’s involved in any of her siblings’ fuckery but she’s more closed off again, keeping to herself and getting caught up in her thoughts.

 

Luther has taken to sleeping in his own bed again and since Ben never came back to claim it, Five opted to start sleeping on the mattress. There’s no need to squeeze into a single bed with someone else when there’s a much easier solution just laying around on the floor. 

Not that they sleep much. Or at all. The nights are mostly spend with Five staring at the ceiling, or trying to make out shapes in the dark and desperately wishing they would hear the tell-tale noise of footsteps approaching, Luther sneaking into Vanya’s room again, admitting that it was a shit idea to leave in the first place. 

 

Because it was. And Five’s not saying that because they miss the comforting feel of Luther’s back pressing into their side, no, it’s obvious that Luther’s suffering. He has dark circles under his eyes and he always walks around the house with his shoulders drawn up and his back hunched, like he doesn’t want anyone to see him. 

 

And yeah okay, maybe Five also thinks it would be better for Luther to share a bed with Vanya and them again because they miss their brother. In a way that isn’t that much about Luther’s well-being but more about Five’s feelings. Who cares. 

 

And it’s not like any of the others are that much better off. Ben and Allison seem to have grown attached to each other, always sticking their heads close together but that doesn’t make up for the fact that Allison looks close to crying half the time and that Five hasn’t seen Ben smile since he walked out of Vanya’s room. 

Diego keeps picking at his lower lip, ripping off the skin until it’s bleeding and he’s more jumpy than ever, like he expects someone to shout at him any second. 

 

But Klaus. 

Klaus is the worst. 

 

Five knows what they look like. Eyes reddish, skin pale. They know it’s the sleep deprivation slowly eating at them, making them restless and leaving Five feeling bare, like an exposed nerve. 

 

Well, Klaus is even worse. There’s a constant air of exhaustion around him, his movements sluggish and far between. When he walks, it’s on wobbly legs and his eyes are closed everytime Five looks, or bordering on closing. 

There have been instances when Klaus was sitting there, head fallen onto his chest and breath evening out before violently jerking awake all of a sudden, knees bouncing and head wiping around, making sure no one noticed. 

But Five notices. 

 

Five notices it all, sees how all of their siblings are suffering and they can’t help but think that it’s all their fault. If they had never time travelled half their problems wouldn’t exist. Then again, if they never time travelled any single one of them would be dead by now. 

But try telling that to Five’s aching heart.

 

So Five does what they always do when there’s a problem that needs to be fixed: They plan. 

 

Dad doesn’t let you time travel? Train and confront him in front of the others so he has to acknowledge you. 

 

Time traveling got you stuck in the future and surprise! The future is an apocalypse! Plan and plan and  _ plan _ how you can get back to your family, use every opportunity offered to you to warn them and stop it all from happening. 

 

Your Family is caught up in some emotional bullshit and everyone is ignoring each other and it’s making you feel things you don’t wanna feel? 

Well, what the fuck do you do then? Round them all up and force them to talk about their feelings? Get involved in things that have nothing to do with you? 

 

Try going back in time to avoid any of this just so you don’t have to be all sensitive? Five actually considers that. It’s not like comfort is their strong suit. But in the end they find themself years back instead of mere days and what do they do then? 

 

No, they need to approach this like someone would who isn’t emotionally constipated. Like Ben. Or Vanya. 

 

And that’s why they find themself at Luther’s door one evening, just after Grace made her round and wished everyone a good night. And even though Five never saw her - they spent more time hiding from her in Vanya’s closet when Grace came inside to give Vanya a kiss goodnight than they can count - Five just knows that she senses how something is off. It’s not like she didn’t notice what the children had been up to, even if she never commented on it.

 

They make sure that Grace is already on her merry way, going to sit in front of her paintings the whole night - just like she does years into the future, always sitting at the same spot and looking at the same pictures and never getting tired of it. Not even when everything goes to shit around her. 

 

When they can hear the clacking of her shoes getting fainter with each step, Five takes a deep breath and knocks on Luther’s door. They hear no answer but they didn’t just psych themself up for half an hour before sneaking into the hallway only to turn away again now. Not even when they most definitely want to. 

 

So they push the door open anyway, permission or not. 

 

Luther’s in bed, a book in his hands. He doesn’t acknowledge Five. 

 

“I come to talk.” Five isn’t sure why their voice sounds so tiny but there’s nothing they can do about it now. 

 

“I’m busy.”

 

“Your holding the book upside down.”

 

Luther puts the book away hastily, turning red and Five grins despite the situation. They make a hesitant step into the room and when Luther says nothing, only watches Five move, they take another one. They slowly walk into the room, shutting the door behind them once they are inside. 

 

They just stand there for a moment, not really sure how to proceed now that they actually got this far. But if there’s anything they’ve learned in the past few weeks it’s that being forward is probably the only way to get anything done in this family. 

 

“Everything turned to shit ever since Klaus got angry at us all and I’m not sure what I’ve done wrong but now you’re not sleeping at Vanya’s anymore - I mean, no one is since that fight - and I miss you.” It’s one long, rambly sentence and Five isn’t exactly proud of how incoherent they sound but at least it’s all in the open now. Cards on the table and all. 

“And Vanya misses you too,” they add as an afterthought, partly to not sound as needy but also partly because it’s true. Vanya still sleeps practically pressed against the wall, still making room for people who aren’t there anymore.

 

Luther looks at them for a long moment, silence stretching around them and Five twitching and feeling queasy being scrutinized like that. Like Luther is looking into their soul, seeing all the dark and twisted things they have locked in there. But then Luther rubs over his eyes with one hand and the moment is gone. 

 

“Nothing is your fault, Five, I’m just- There’s just-,” Luther stops, closing his eyes. “It’s stupid, really.” 

 

“Well, tell me about it, big guy and I tell you if it’s stupid or not.” Five walks over to the bed, sitting down in the corner. It feels oddly familiar to the Allison talk they had and Five briefly wonders when they became the family therapist. 

But then they also think about how both times they were the one initiating a conversation so maybe the question should be when they started enjoying being the family therapist. 

 

“What Diego said...No, what Klaus said about us preventing me from becoming like _ that _ -,” Luther actually gestures to himself at that, like he doesn’t realize he’s back to his slender form, too long arms and all, “it just got me thinking, you know?”

 

“You thought about changing the future.” That doesn’t surprise Five. Who wouldn’t want to change it, really? They were trying to change it right now, for fucks sake. “And you wondered why I’m not trying to change it.” And Luther’s assurances aside, how exactly should Five think this is not their fault? It’s true, they have the capability of saving Luther, of  _ saving Ben _ and they never even thought about it. 

 

_ “You didn’t change at all,” _ Klaus had said and wasn’t that true? All this talk about saving everyone and Five hasn’t done any saving at all. Five hasn’t done shit. Only caused more problems. 

 

But Five doesn’t have to time to get all worked up, because then Luther is taking their hand. 

“No. I mean, yes, I thought about how it would be not to...how nice it would be to always be like this. But it’s just that. A thought.” He squeezes Five’s hand and it’s nearly bordering on painful but Luther doesn’t seem to notice. “I don’t blame you for not ‘saving’ me, god knows you have more pressing matters on your mind.” 

 

Five doesn’t get it. “But then why did you leave?”  _ ‘Why aren’t you back in Vanya’s room with me? Why are we having this awkward conversation in the first place instead of getting much needed sleep cuddled up together?’ _

 

“I told you; it’s stupid.” Luther lets go of their hand and Five tries to rub some life back into it as discreetly as possible. They watch as Luther turns away from them, leaving them to stare at his back, which would’ve looked intimidating in his old body but loses the effect in this one. He just looks like a little boy. 

 

“And I told you, I’m gonna decide whether it’s stupid after I heard for myself.” 

Five thinks that maybe they’re finally getting a handle on how to speak softly and comforting and all that because Luther may be shaking his head, but he still elaborates. 

 

“I’ve been sleeping way better ever since we’ve been, uh, sharing a bed. I used to….have nightmares about hurting people. Hurting Vanya. And knowing she’s right there and you are too and that you would definitely kick my ass if I would ever….get some stupid ideas again, it just helped.”

 

“That really doesn’t sound like a reason to stay away,” Five blurts out and immediately winces. That wasn’t something an understanding and compassionate listener would say, they’re pretty sure of that. But Luther chuckles and maybe Five isn’t all that bad at this whole emotions thing. 

 

“It’s not.” Five is about to poke some more, something along the lines of ‘Why the fuck do you make us all suffer unnecessarily then?’ but Luther goes on and Five keeps their mouth shut. “It was nice. Really nice. But Diego is right.” 

 

“That we should call you ‘monkey man’?” That had been a low blow from Diego but no reason to sulk around in your room for days. Or maybe Five was lacking empathy. One of those two. Probably both. 

 

“No, of course not.” Luther shakes his head like that’s not at all what he’s referring to but Five can’t for the love of god remember what else Diego could have said.

“He was right that I’m not deserving of it.”

 

Okay, now Five has completely lost the point of their conversation. 

“You’re not deserving of what, Luther?” Luther still has his back to them and that’s really not helping. Five pulls at his shoulder until he turns towards them, eyes downcast. “You’re not deserving of what?”

 

Luther is slower to answer this time, throat working and hands clenching together. 

 

“Of being happy like that. Of having you and Vanya around, talking to me and laughing with me.” He swallows. 

“Of having this body.”

 

Five’s pretty sure they’re stopped breathing because there’s no way that those words just came out of a shaking 13 year old’s mouth, high-pitched and wobbly, but ugly all the same. It just isn't right.   


Now, there are a lot of ways Five could react to this. They could ask Luther to elaborate some more on whatever masochistic bullshit he’s on right now, or they could put their arm around Luther and try to come up with some comforting words, hold him close like they did before. 

But because Five is Five and most people would probably describe them as a heartless bastard, they just say the next best thing that comes to their mind. 

 

“You seriously believe that you have to atone for your sins by being alone and miserable? And having Dad do some seriously fucked up experiments on you? And you gather all that from Diego being a dickhead?” 

Luther stays silent but that’s really all the agreement Five needs. 

“My god, I actually am the only one with a functioning brain around here.”

 

Five meant that - mostly - as a joke, something that would maybe draw a chuckle out of someone like Ben or Klaus. Diego even. But this is Luther they are talking to and despite everyone’s best efforts he seems to take things awfully serious most of the time. So it’s no surprise when Luther shakes of Five’s hand from their shoulder and mumbles: “Maybe you should go.”

 

And shit, that wasn’t what Five wanted to happen, not at all. This is what happens when they try their hand at being thoughtful and caring and all that shit, stuff they should leave to people who didn’t grow up all alone and with no social skills. Five raises their arm, unsure whether they should try touching Luther again or if that would only make matters worse. 

 

Not that it isn’t fucking bad already.  

 

“Listen,” they try again, opting to put their hand in their lap. “I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean that. Sometimes I just say stuff I don’t actually…..stuff I didn’t really think about beforehand.”  _ ‘It’s self-defense,’ _ is what Five doesn’t say. No need to get into all the gritty details of what’s going on in their head. 

 

Five straightens their back. “But I do mean what I’m saying right now and I won’t repeat it again, so you better listen to me, big guy, alright?” Five looks over at Luther, who hasn’t acknowledged anything they said so far. “Luther, are you listening to me?”

 

A faint nod. Good enough, Five can’t be picky right now. 

 

“No one deserves what you went through when you nearly died that day, only to wake up and find out your whole world was turned upside down. 

Nothing was like it had been before. And you felt all alone and desperately wished you could just go back and make it alright, prevent it all from ever happening. But it doesn’t work like that.” Five is focusing on the blanket, how it feels under their touch. They try not to look over at Luther. 

 

“I like to think that...everything that happened, it happened for a reason. Everything. Even if it was the worst thing you ever went through, there had to be a reason behind it. Something, anything at all, no matter how tiny. Because if there was no reason why you had to suffer like that, no divine power guiding your way, so to say…...why bother pushing through? When it’s all meaningless anyway?” 

 

Luther is moving in their direction now, upper body twisting around to properly watch Five. Five presses on before Luther can get a word in. 

“And no, I am not saying that the reason for your transformation was to punish you for things you hadn’t even done back then. Think about it: Would you have been able to fend off Hazel and Cha-Cha like you did - and save us all in the process - in your old body? Would you have been as strong?”

 

Luther doesn’t answer but Five can practically see him thinking about it, brows furrowed and forehead wrinkling. There’s more they have to get out though. 

 

“What I really wanna say with all that rambling is: No one blames you for what happened. Yeah, locking Vanya in was a shit move but you thought it was the only way at the time and you long since regretted doing it. You apologized to Vanya. Even though she doesn’t remember it, you still apologized. You feel bad about everything. And ever since we got here, you tried your best to make it up to her.” In a rash decision to act out their instincts, Five puts their hands on each side of Luther’s face, locking their eyes together. It’s a tiny bit awkward but there’s no turning back now. 

 

“Nobody hates you. You don’t have to keep your distance because you think you deserve to be alone or that we expect you to after what happened. It happened. All that counts is what you do  _ now _ , that you try to be better  _ now _ . Your past doesn’t have to define your future.” 

 

It’s a bit rich really, coming from someone who will forever be haunted by the things they did, but Five believes that Luther shouldn’t beat himself up about things he has no control over anymore. Just because Five does, doesn’t mean Luther has to, too. 

 

There are tears slipping down both of their faces and they’re still only staring at each other, Five framing Luther’s face with their hands. Then, the corners of Luther’s mouth are turning up, up, up and soon he’s smiling at Five, resting his hands on their shoulders. 

 

“Maybe you should be Number One, all things considered,” he whispers and Five snorts. 

 

“Thank you very much, but I quite like being Five.” 

It’s truer than Five would like to admit, has actually ever admitted to someone but they push the thought aside. Now’s not the time. 

“Anyway, if you’re done being all miserable we miss you. We  _ all  _ do.” There’s an idea forming in Five’s mind, possibly risky but they’ve been tip-toeing through a minefield during the whole conversation so why not try it out? “Diego misses you too. And I’m gonna prove it to you.”

 

They disentangle themself from Luther and get up, making their way to the door. They turn around halfway though, needing to get something else out first. “I was wondering….everything you did…,” they cock their head to the side, pushing their hands into the pockets of their pyjama pants, “Do you think you behaved like that because Allison rumoured you?”

 

Five had been wondering about that for quite some time now. Whether Luther’s behaviour had been influenced by what Allison had said to him all those years ago. After all, Luther himself had said that he was always creepily attuned to whatever Allison did, making her his top priority no matter what. So why shouldn’t that mess with how he would react to her being hurt, lashing out on a wider scale than really necessary? Being crueler than he normally would be. 

 

“You mean maybe I wouldn’t have locked Vanya in? If it weren’t for Allison?” Five nods. Luther considers that for a moment, sitting on the bed. 

“No,” he says after a while, voice firm. “That would surely be the easy way out, claiming that I was being brainwashed but...I really thought I was making the right decision, you know? That was all me, all of it, influenced by a rumour or not. It’s not the right time to place the blame somewhere else.” 

Luther’s eyes lock onto Five’s. “I need to start taking responsibility for my actions.”

 

Five nods again, jaw clenched. Luther is right. And not just about himself. “I’m sorry that I didn’t think about saving you. Or Ben. It never crossed my mind and that’s….,that is seriously fucked up.” Five swallows. “I will try doing better.”

 

“I told you, I don’t blame you for that. You’re right, everything that happened so far had to happen exactly like this. It led us here.” Luther sighs. “Even if some people don’t believe that.”

 

“Klaus.”

 

Luther pushes himself up, leaving the bed to walk over to Five. “We need to talk to him,” he states, but he doesn’t look happy about it. Five thinks back to how angry Klaus had looked, hands balled into fists like he wanted to punch one of them. Maybe all of them. 

They weren’t looking forward to that conversation. 

 

Then they remember Ben’s face, how he had bitten his lip and refused to look at any of them and in their mind, Ben’s features freeze, his expression trapped forever in a mask made out of bronze. 

 

Five shudders. 

 

“Anyway; you wanted to prove something to me?” Luther is standing in front of Five now and they’re about the same height, Five barely has to tilt their head up to look Luther in the eyes. Like before. When both of them were boys, not troubled adults trapped in boys’ bodies. 

 

“Follow me,” Five simply says, leading the way. 

 

* * *

 

 

The closer they get to Diego’s door, the more Luther starts falling behind, looking uneasy. 

 

When Five stands directly in front of it, hand halfway raised to knock already, Luther stops altogether. 

“You really think this is a good idea?” He doesn’t shout but the words aren’t exactly whispered either. Five shoots a look in the direction of the stairs, but the house stays silent save for the occasional creaking of the wooden floorboards. 

 

“This is a brilliant idea. It’s mine after all,” Five whispers back and beckons Luther closer. When he doesn’t comply, Five just grabs his arm and pulls him towards Diego’s door, knocking briefly before opening it. 

 

It’s dark inside but Five can make out Diego’s silhouette, the gentle rise and fall of it indicating that Diego is already asleep. Luther nudges their shoulder. “Maybe we should come back tomorrow?” 

He is already moving back but Five is still holding onto his arm and they don’t budge, only gripping Luther tighter. 

 

“Diego?” Five takes a hesitant step inside the room, mindful of things possibly laying around on the ground. “Diego are you sleeping?”

And yeah, pointless question but Five had a long night,okay?

 

So they just call out again: “Diego?”

 

Five slowly walks over to where Diego is laying on his bed, pulling Luther along with them. Luther mumbles a half-hearted protest but they both know that if he really wanted to, he could easily free himself from Five’s grip, so Five doesn’t comment. 

 

They are standing in front of Diego now, hand hovering in the air. Five is about to touch Diego’s back, maybe softly nudge his shoulder to wake him when in a flash, something is pushing their hand to the side. 

 

“Jesus, can’t you even leave a muh-man alone when he’s pretend-pretending to be asleep? You’re worse than Klaus.” Diego is staring up at Five, suddenly looking much more awake than just a minute ago. 

 

Five crosses their arms. Asshole. 

 

“What do you want?” Diego scoots up the headboard to sit down, eyes going back and forth between Five and Luther. At least Five thinks they do. They still can’t see that much in the dark. 

 

Thankfully Luther chooses that moment to turn on the lamp on the bedside table and the three of them are left squinting because of the sudden brightness. 

Luther is the first one to talk again. 

 

“To be completely honest with you I don’t actually know. It was Five’s idea.” It sounds a bit accusatory, like Luther’s trying to place the blame on them and wow, doesn’t Five love their brothers. The only thing left now to complete the picture would be Luther actually pointing his finger at them. 

 

Instead Five does the pointing. They gesture between the two of them. “You need to sort through your shit,” they state and they feel a bit like a mother trying to lecture her children. Or a kindergartener. 

 

“What shit?” Diego looks thoroughly confused and Luther asks: “Right now?”

 

“You know what shit I mean,” Five says. “And yes, right now.”

 

Silence. 

 

Diego is glaring at Five, arms crossed and Luther seems pretty interested in the books on the nightstand all of a sudden. Five rolls their eyes. 

“Come on. You’ll feel better after. I promise.”

 

Five really believes so. All this talking about their problems and feelings actually does seem to help. Even though there are some things they cannot talk about. But with the other things - the ones that don’t stain their hands red and their soul black - it actually does a shitton of making them feel less alone. 

Even though they wouldn’t admit that out loud.

 

There’s more silence and Five is about to threaten them with physical violence but then Diego speaks up. “I’m sorry I made that comment about calling you monkey man. I wanted to tease you, I didn’t think it would upset you this much.” He doesn’t look at Luther but his words are sincere. 

 

When Five turns towards Luther, he isn’t looking at Diego either, staring at where Five is still holding onto his arm. Huh. Five had already forgotten about that. But apparently the touch is helping Luther in some way because he speaks too, eyes locked onto Five’s finger curling around his wrist. “I’m sorry that I implied that you could’ve stolen Dad’s monocle.”

 

After that it’s like a dam breaking. 

 

“I’m sorry that I am always so aggressive towards you.”

 

“I’m sorry that I’m so patronizing sometimes. Most of the time.”

 

“I’m sorry that I always end up going too far. I never meant to hurt you.”

 

“I’m sorry if you ever felt like I was overshadowing you when we grew up.”

 

“I’m sorry that I am always challenging you on everything you say.”

  
  


“I’m sorry that I am Number One and you are Number Two.”

  
  


That makes them look at each other, Diego turning his head sharply and Luther returning his gaze. Five tenses up, ready to jump in before they bash each other’s brains out but then Diego smiles, a sad smile but a smile nonetheless and says: “I’m sorry about that too.” Luther smiles back at him, shoulders relaxing. 

 

Five's eyes flick back and forth between the two of them. “That’s it? You’re good now? Just like that?” Diego shrugs and Luther gives a curt little nod. Five raises one eyebrow. 

“Idiots,” they say, but they also start relaxing, finally letting go of Luther. 

 

“One thing though,” Diego quips. “About those nature documentaries…..”

 

“Oh shut up,” Luther says but he’s still smiling so Five believes it safe to turn their back on them and march towards the door. At least those two won’t kill each other. For now. 

 

“Where are you going Five? Back to bed?” Diego sounds surprised for someone who complained about them being here only mere minutes ago. 

 

Five makes an agreeing noise, fingers already on the door knob. They still. “Are you coming or not?”

 

Luther nods hastily but Diego seems confused. “Coming?”

 

“You didn’t think I’d go all these lengths for you two to make up out of the goodness of my heart?”  _ ‘I would if there was anything good left in my heart.’  _

“I’ve gotten used to having you around while sleeping, enough to...miss you when you’re not there.” Five clears their throat. “Even though you are very annoying.”

 

It’s a weak insult and Five knows that but they need to at least try and keep up the charade. No need for their siblings to know how soft they are for all of them and how happy it makes Five to have them close by. 

 

They probably know anyway, judging on how Luther grins at them and squeezes their shoulder. Diego gets up but doesn’t move far from his bed, rubbing at his neck. 

“But I’ve actually nuh-never....,” he starts but Luther interrupts him. 

 

“It seems like it’s becoming some kind of family tradition,” he muses, before gesturing towards Diego. “You are family.”

 

Diego looks over at Five, who nods. He gathers his pillow and blanket without another word, following Luther and Five out the door. 

They make a small detour to Luther’s room so he can get his bedding too and Five’s eyes flit over to Klaus’ closed door. They will try talking to him tomorrow, Five decides. They were too exhausted right now. 

 

Talking was draining and interacting with people even more so. Five just wanted to go to sleep, huddled close to their siblings. 

 

But when they sneak into Vanya’s room the light is one and Vanya is sitting in a corner on the floor, legs drawn up and head pressed to her knees. Luther is next to her in a heartbeat. 

 

“What happened? Who hurt you?” He’s flexing his arms and Five wonders if maybe he isn’t sure whether he should touch her or not. 

Thinking about it, Five doesn’t remember whether Luther ever did since they got here, even though he rarely left Vanya’s side. If anything, all their contact was initiated by Vanya and it pains Five, realizing what Luther had said to them. _"I have nightmares about hurting Vanya."_  


 

Vanya raises her head and they can all see the tears glistening in her eyes. Five runs over to her immediately, closely followed by Diego. “What’s wrong?” The hardwood floor is digging into Five’s knees, even through their pyjama pants, but Five barely notices it. “Talk to us, Vanya!”

 

Diego doesn’t say anything but he slings an arm around her and Vanya leans into him, now full on sobbing. “I thought-I...I thought you’d left me.” She’s looking directly at Five, her lip quivering and her voice breaking and Five is close to crying themself. 

 

“Why would you ever think that? I’d never leave you.”

 

“Everyone left and then-,” another sob, “-and then you left too and it’s all my fault!” She sounds angry now. The light starts flickering and it only makes her face seem more blotchy. The curtains move, billowing. 

 

“Nothing is your fault, Vanya.” Luther’s hand stops inches from Vanya’s head, his voice tight. “You did nothing wrong.”

“I did!” Vanya screams it, her hair whipping around her face. Five can hear the window clattering. Wind is ripping at their clothes. 

 

“Vanya you need to calm d-”

 

“I killed all those people! I nearly killed you!” Vanya hides her face in her knees again, her whole body shaking. The wind slowly subsides. When she speaks next, it’s muffled. “Why would you want anything to do with me?”

 

“Vanya,” Diego leans down so he’s closer to Vanya’s face still pressed against her knees. “What are you talking about?”

 

Something cold settles in Five’s stomach. They sit back on their heels, eyes not leaving Vanya but not actually seeing her. Thoughts are running through their head and they know what Vanya’s about to say before she actually does, voice small and weak but still deafening to Five. 

 

“I remember everything. I know about my powers.”

 


	2. I would see the Future (and I'd make it alright)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are glow stars in Ben’s room. Five used to count them when him and Ben were hanging out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter is finally up!
> 
> I planned more Allison originally but this took a wildly different turn so she will have to wait a little bit longer. But, slowly, the plot is picking up some more speed and it will get - even more - dramatic in further installments!
> 
> Have fun reading!

Even though the rebellious and prideful part of Five never wanted to accept it, Luther is - and always will be - their leader. And rightfully so. 

 

Because while Five and Diego are still sitting on the ground next to Vanya, taking turns staring at her or each other, Luther is already up and planning. 

 

“Diego,” he says and Diego’s head snaps towards him. “Go and get the others.”

Five half-expects Diego to argue with Luther but he just nods and stands up and if Five didn’t know before how grave the situation is, they would definitely know now. 

 

Luther’s at Vanya’s side again, arms open like he wants to draw her into a hug. But he doesn’t.  “Let’s get you on the bed, yeah? No need to sit on the floor.” He nods at Five and they take one of Vanya’s arms, slowly helping her stand up. 

Luther walks over to the bed with them, but he keeps his distance, so Five slings an arm across Vanya’s back, supporting her shaking frame as good as possible. 

 

Vanya slumps onto the bed, not looking at either of them. Luther stays standing and Five has no idea what to do, so they just pace around the room. Whatever’s free of the room to pace around on anyway. 

They can hear Luther talking to Vanya, hushed words wafting through the air like syrup. Five feels like they are suffocating, skin too hot and air too scarce. They don’t understand their reaction though. This is not about them for once, this has nothing to do with their problems, but then why is their skin crawling and their heart pounding? 

 

It strucks Five. 

 

_ Guilt. _

 

They feel guilty. Guilty for thinkingly keeping Vanya in the dark for so long, for keeping her medicated. Controlled. Even though Vanya knew of it all, Five can’t shake the queasiness in their stomach, can’t stop the sweat from breaking out on their brow. 

They all took a part in this yet Five was the one who lived with Vanya, feeding her lies but relying on her, all in the same breath. Not helping her with her powers and yet snuggling up next to her every night, counting on her (and Luther) to keep the nightmares at bay. 

 

Five  _ should _ feel guilty, should kneel down before Vanya and confess to all their sins, showing her all the blood that’s sticking to their skin and hoping that she’ll forgive them, if not for it all, at least for the lies. 

 

_ ‘I did it for you, yet I let you down.’ _

 

“Why do they take so long!” Five has their hands in their hair, pulling, _ pulling _ until Luther tugs at their arms. He doesn’t comment on it, only looks at Five. 

 

“I can already hear them. Listen.”

 

Luther’s right. Five can hear footsteps approaching, slowly calming the rushing of their blood in their ears, not as overwhelming as before. They concentrate on it, on shuffling of socks on wood and the sound of bare feet - no doubt Klaus’ - hitting the floor. 

 

But when Five looks towards the door, it’s only Diego and Allison and Ben, Allison with her hair sticking up on one side of her head and Ben in only his pyjama pants. 

“Klaus didn’t-, didn’t open the door,” Diego explains when Five and Luther just stare at him. “I guess he’s still...mad at us.”

 

There’s an awkward silence settling down on them, no one willing to talk about Klaus. Five sees Ben reach for Allison’s hand before Luther speaks up again. 

“Alright, it’s best if we all sit down and talk about this.”

 

‘This’ is not a  _ thing _ it’s Vanya, still sitting on the bed, making herself as small as possible and keeping her eyes on her hands but Five doesn’t say anything. Only sinks down on Ben’s mattress on the floor, next to Luther. 

Allison settles next to Vanya, drawing her into a tight hug. Ben and Diego sit down on Vanya’s other side, Ben putting a hand on Vanya’s shoulder. Diego crosses his arms. 

 

“It’s okay Vanya. We’re here for you.” Allison’s voice is soft, motherly, and for a brief second Five wishes that they were in the future, talking about Five’s name like that’s the only real concern in this world. They miss Allison. 

 

“You shouldn’t be,” is all Vanya says, not looking at either of them. There’s a hurt laced through the words that makes Five ache, something pressing on their chest. They lean forward to put a hand on Vanya’s knee, squeezing once, twice. 

 

“There’s no need to feel guilty.” They mean it. All Vanya did, she didn’t do on purpose. She didn’t have any control over her powers. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes the only consequence is you getting stuck in the future. Sometimes it’s killing a bunch of people. Figures. 

“If you think about it, none of these people ever died. In fact, some of them aren’t even alive yet.”

 

“That doesn’t change the fact that I killed them!” Vanya’s glaring at Five from under her fringe but Five doesn’t let go of her. She sighs. “Or will kill them.”

 

“We won’t let that happen.” Luther and Diego speak up at the same time, both sounding sure of themselves. They look at each other, Diego scooting around on the bed sheets unseasily and Luther clearing his throat. 

 

“We won’t let that happen,” he repeats. “We will change the future.” 

 

“And this time around, we won’t have to hurt you.” Five nearly misses Ben’s words, whispered, almost like he’s talking to himself. They think about the place in the court where Ben’s statue will be in a few years. Five looks away. 

 

Vanya doesn’t react to that, back to staring into her lap. Allison rests her forehead against the side of Vanya’s head and tries to take Vanya’s hand, but Vanya draws away. Allison frowns, exchanging a look with Ben over Vanya’s head. 

 

Five reaches for Allison instead, with the hand that isn’t on Vanya’s knee, their fingertips brushing the back of Allison’s hand. When Allison looks at them, surprised, Five smiles up at her. Allison smiles back, her fingers tangling with theirs. 

 

Vanya breaks the tender moment between them. “Maybe you were right in hurting me.” She focuses on all of them for a moment, taking in every face, before her eyes flit back to her lap, tone flat. 

“Maybe you should’ve killed me.”

 

It’s like a bomb going off. 

 

Diego is up in an instant, nearly falling over the mattress in his haste to move. “Who suh-suh-, who said that?! Did Luther t-tell you that?” He’s jabbing an accusing finger in Luther’s direction, who doesn’t move, mouth open. 

 

Ben is trying to pull Diego back onto the mattress while at the same time rubbing his hand over Vanya’s back, who just shrunk in on herself again, ignoring the others. Allison’s clearly crying and she’s squeezing Five’s hand so hard it hurts. 

Five can only watch on, insides turned to stone and limbs unmoving.

 

Luther speaks up at last. “No….I’d never-” 

 

“What? Hurt her?  _ Kill _ her? Except for when you duh-do, right?” There’s a mean glint in diego’s eyes and Five knows that he won’t stop now, not even when Luther isn’t even putting up a fight, clenching his jaw and looking to the side. Diego just keeps on pacing, only stopping to insult Luther and glare at him. Allison has started sobbing by now, muffling herself with one hand pressed to her mouth. 

 

Five just wants to leave, escape the whole situation. They feel the crackling of static, the electricity thrumming in their fingers. It would be so easy to get away, to jump somewhere far from here, or even just down the street. To clear their head. 

 

But this is their fucking family, laying in shambles in front of them and despite it all, Five loves their siblings. A lot. 

So they relax their hands, let the power inside them subside, and they stand up, walking up to Diego. They grip both of Diego’s arms, stopping him dead in his tracks. They stare at each other, Diego’s breathing erratic while Five tries to seem as calm as possible. Slowly, they can see Diego matching them, breathing in and out deeply. Five let’s go of him. 

 

“I don’t think Luther said anything to Vanya,” they start, holding a hand up when Diego opens his mouth. “But  _ if he did _ , why don’t we ask Vanya about it? She’s also in this room, you know?”

 

_ ‘And she’s pretty unstable and you only make matters worse, screaming and upsetting everyone.’ _

 

Diego nods, blinking like he just now realizes where he is. They both turn to Vanya, who’s leaning against Allison, silent tears streaming down her face. Five kneels down in front of her. 

“Hey V.” They smile shakily, but don’t touch her. They don’t know if they should. 

 

For a second, Five has the strange impulse to crack a joke. Say something like ‘How’s it going?’ or ‘What idiots our brothers are, right?’

But that isn’t really Five’s style. Maybe Klaus would say something like that, maybe he’d be better at comforting the hopeless. But he isn’t here and the rest of their siblings are still useless, so Five pushes through. 

 

“Talk to us, please? No one wants you to die. We’re a family, aren’t we?” Ben nods next to Five like he’s answering a real question and Five’s smile turns genuine. “We love you.”

There’s movement behind Five, Ben shifting closer. He puts an arm across Five’s neck, the other one carefully pushing back Vanya’s fringe. Allison is pulling Vanya impossibly closer, Vanya nearly sitting in her lap, her back to Allison’s chest. 

 

Vanya reaches out and Five meets her halfway, lacing their fingers together. There’s something on her face, not quite a smile but something very close. Five reaches out, wiping a tear from her cheek.  

“There,” he says, without any real reason to. Vanya still looks horrible, all blotchy and red. But it makes Vanya smile that little bit brighter, so maybe they should follow their instincts more often.

 

Vanya breathes in deep, closing her eyes for a second before speaking up. “Luther didn’t say anything to me. He even…” Five sees her eyes flick to the side for a second, no doubt looking to Luther. They seem to have a silent conversation for a second because Vanya raises her eyebrows and then smiles again. 

“He apologised to me. For what happened. Even though he thought I’d forgotten, he still did it.” She looks at Luther again, eyes staring at a spot over Five’s head. “That was nice.”

 

The floor creaks, Luther or Diego moving around but Five doesn’t turn around to check. They hear Diego murmur “I’m sorry” and a slapping noise, like someone is patting someone’s back. Five hopes they are hugging even though that seems unrealistic. 

 

“We should all apologise,” Allison says, raising her chin so she isn’t talking into Vanya’s hair. Her eyes are downcast, addressing Vanya even though she has her back to her. “For everything that happened. Everything.”

 

Ben nods but Five shakes their head. “We can’t change how we were raised.” Allison gives them a  _ look _ over Vanya’s head and Five hastily adds: “We still feel sorry of course.” 

Allison nods and Five feels like a child. Well, mindwise anyway, the body is already fitting, no matter how hard they try to forget that. 

 

“No, no, Five’s right,” Vanya argues, turning her head to look at Allison. “You were all kids. You didn’t know better.”

 

“But we should’ve known better once we became adults.” Luther squeezes in next to Five, to Vanya’s feet. He looks briefly surprised, like he didn’t expect to fit even though he’s back to all skin and bones again. 

He’s crouching down, struggling a bit to keep his balance. Five offers their arm and Luther grabs it, steadying himself. He looks at Vanya, face open and eyes wide and maybe Five isn’t the only one desperate for forgiveness. 

 

Ben takes his hand off of Five and Five is confused for a second before they realize that Ben is beckoning Diego closer with it, waiting until he’s shuffling forward to draw him into a half hug and pull him down next to him. The mattress creaks a little under Diego’s weight and Five faintly misses the warmth on their neck before it’s back again, Diego slinging his arm around them. 

 

They sit like that for a moment, cuddled up as good as possible with Luther and Five sitting on the mattress on the floor. It may not be perfect but it’s warm and comforting, even though they aren’t complete. Five vows to themself to talk to Klaus as soon as possible, promise him to try and save Ben, no matter at what cost. 

 

Ben, who speaks now, voice quiet like it always had been, not as shy as Vanya - no one was ever as shy and self-deprecating as Vanya -, but still not used to being the center of attention. 

 

“Vanya, did you mean it? That we should’ve killed you?” 

_ ‘That the others should’ve killed you,’   _ is what Ben doesn’t say, but Five thinks it’s pretty clear that’s what he means. After all, Ben had no part in all of this, never wanting to get blood on his hands, no matter from who. No matter _ for _ who.  

Five on the other hand had been all too eager, pride and ruthlessness mixing and filling their head, their mind, until they were in too deep. 

 

Now all that’s left is a broken mess, foreign skin pulling tight over aching bones. But maybe that’s the point. Maybe Five can add their broken pieces to the pile and together, Five and the others could make something new out of it. Something that isn’t beautiful or perfect, but something that is  _ enough _ . 

 

And they should’ve started with Vanya all along, Five realizes, should’ve helped her more. Should’ve told her the truth.

Because now she’s nodding, sure of herself on a topic she shouldn’t even be thinking about.

 

“Yes,” she says, and Five grips her hand tighter. “I am dangerous. I was a threat.” Their eyes meet. “You take out threats.”

 

It’s what Five used to say, used to boast, whenever Vanya had asked them if it was hard to fight against all those criminals. To kill them if they didn’t surrender. And even though their answer should’ve been “Ben does most of the killing,” they never said that, instead spinning tales of their heroism and glory. 

 

_ “The criminals are threats and I take out threats,” _ they’d say, laying on Vanya’s bed, head next to her feet and the other way around, and Vanya must’ve known that they were lying to impress her but she didn’t comment, only let them talk on and on. 

 

Hearing the words echoed back to them now, Vanya looking the same as back then, only that little bit darker, that little bit more on edge, makes Five want to puke. This is all so wrong, like everything they knew and missed has been twisted on its head before Five got it back, cold hands shoving it at them with a sneer. 

 

_ ‘Here,’ _ the hands taunt.  _ ‘This is what you deserve.’ _

 

“No,” they say, a bit too fast and a tad too shrill. They meet Vanya’s eyes. “We don’t do that anymore.”

 

_ ‘I don’t want this,’ _ they scream at the hands.  _ ‘This is all wrong.’ _

 

But the hands keep pushing.  _ ‘It’s all you get.’ _

 

“We won’t let you die. No matter what.” Diego’s right and Five can see it on their sibling’s faces, on the grim nod everyone seems to do simultaneously, clutching a little bit tighter to each other, leaning a bit more into each other’s space. 

 

“We won’t let anyone die,” Five adds, looking over at Ben, but Ben doesn’t acknowledge it, turning his head away. Five pretends they didn’t notice. 

 

Vanya leans forward, disentangling herself from Allison a bit. She bites her lip. “Could you….maybe stay here tonight? All of you?”

 

“Of course,” Allison says, clearly relieved. Maybe she thought Vanya would throw them out instead. But then her eyes flick to Luther and she frowns. “Although…,” she trails off, sighing. 

 

It’s Luther who helps her out. “We will all stay with you, Vanya. We are family.” He doesn’t look at Vanya though, he’s staring at Allison and Five can see her relaxing, flashing Luther a small smile before turning her attention back to Vanya.

 

Luther is the only one not touching Vanya, only lightly holding onto Five’s arm, like he isn’t sure he’s allowed to. Five frowns. 

 

As everyone gets ready for bed, trying to manage six people on two mattresses without any complaints (mainly from Diego about not having enough space), Five lightly taps Luther’s arm. They don’t know what exactly to say, so they just follow their instinct and draw Luther into a brief hug. 

Luther squeezes back, barely noticeable. Super-strength must be a bitch, always needing to have perfect control over yourself. 

 

“Thank you, Five,” Luther whispers, but before they can ask him what exactly he’s thanking them for, Luther has already let go, walking towards Vanya, who is patiently waiting for the both of them to join her on the bed. 

 

* * *

 

 

In the end, Five is sandwiched between Luther and Diego, who keeps kicking in his sleep, mainly because Allison refused to sleep next to Diego for that exact same reason. So she’s cuddled up to Vanya and Ben on the bed, while Five has to lay on the mattress, nearly being squished. 

But Ben also has one arm hanging off the bed to hold onto Five’s hand where it’s slung over Diego’s chest and Luther keeps mumbling things in his sleep, his face pressed into Five’s back. 

 

It’s pretty awesome. 

 

* * *

The next day, they don’t really have time to talk further because there’s a mission waiting for them. Well, for everyone except for Five and Vanya. 

 

“I wish you could come and watch it with me,” Vanya had said, putting on her coat. The others had all scattered to their rooms, hastily getting ready. Five had just shrugged, leaning back on their elbows and watching Vanya move through the room, a practice to her steps that was still present after all the years that had passed since their last mission, ingrained into all of them as easy as breathing. 

She had stepped over the mattress without even sparing it a glance, stopping at the door. 

“See you later,” she’d said and Five had nodded, looking at the door even after Vanya had disappeared. 

 

And there they are now. Bored to death.

It’s not like Five isn’t used to spending time alone - they did spent most of their life in solitude -, but they got used to Vanya being around frighteningly fast, with her not allowed to train with the others and not interested in watching them from afar anymore. 

 

“Just makes me anxious,” she’d said, tugging a strand of hair behind her ear and going back to her book, but Five had seen how tense she always got, talking about powers. They’d thought it was old envy clawing its way back from not that far down, but knowing what they do now, Vanya probably just didn’t wanna be reminded of her own powers. 

 

Of the threat she poses to everyone.

 

But now Vanya isn’t there, the house silent. Five spent the last hour taking turns either laying on the bed or the mattress but they’re getting restless. Their hands itch, tempting them to get up and jump somewhere or at the very least  _ go _ somewhere. Maybe the attic. They hadn’t been up there since they had talked to Diego and the house was guaranteed to be empty safe for Grace and Pogo.

Maybe only Grace, if Pogo decided to follow the mission with Dad and Vanya from a safe distance. And Grace rarely left the kitchen these days, having seven hungry children to care and cook for. 

Well, six. 

 

So Five gets up, but instead of space jumping to the attic, they walk to the door and out into the hallway. They rarely space jump these days. Why bother, if you’re mostly hanging around one room anyway?

 

Going to attic though, somehow turns into stopping in front of their room and trying very hard not to look at it. Scuffing their feet against the door frame, keeping their eyes on their socks. They’re mismatched. Huh. They didn’t notice that this morning when they’d been putting them on. 

 

Five had been distracted though, because Ben had asked if Vanya still took her medication, something they hadn’t even thought about. 

 

“Sometimes,” Vanya had answered, hiding mostly behind her hair. “Most of the time. I’m afraid…,” Vanya had looked over at Five. “I’m afraid I’ll lose control otherwise.”

 

The other hadn’t questioned her further and not soon after, an incoming mission was being announced via the loudspeaker and everyone had scurried off to get ready as fast as possible. 

 

Leaving Five to stand in front of their own bedroom door and stare at their feet. 

 

Before they can really make a decision there are footsteps coming closer, the stairs creaking, and in an instant Five’s in their room, shutting the door behind them as quietly as possible. 

It’s probably Grace, looking for some clothes she can put in the washing machine or something. No need to look here. 

 

Five steps further into the room slowly. They scoff at themself. Why do they act so afraid? This is their room, has been until they disappeared, which happened a bit more than a month ago in this timeline. 

Or 45 years ago, give or take. 

 

And it’s not like they’ve never been in here, they’d changed right in on this spot after coming back from the future the first time and it had been fine. 

But maybe it had been easier to pretend that this wasn’t a big part of the childhood they had lost all those years ago with the signs of the time past clear for everyone to see. All the yellowed pages scattered on the desk and the empty picture frames. 

 

The pages are still there now, but they are a pristine white and Five sees themself smile back from one of the picture frames, arm in arm with Vanya. With past Vanya, a Vanya they’ll never see again most likely, not if they manage to prevent the apocalypse and get back to the future. 

 

Not for the first time Five wonders if they even want to go back to the future. 

 

The footsteps come back, the  _ clack-clack _ of Grace’s heels. At first, Five ignores it, believing she’ll just walk past and back down the stairs. But they slow down right before their door and Five starts panicking. What if she comes in? She can’t see them!

 

They contemplate hiding under the bed for a second but dismiss it. They could be spotted to easily. 

Which leaves the closet. 

Five crawls inside it on their hands and knees, burrowing as far in as possible and hiding behind their uniform jackets, nearly making them fall from their hangers. They turn towards the closet door, open just enough to let them peak through and watch the scene. 

 

Grace does come in. She pushes the door open slowly, taking deliberate steps inside, heels clicking over the floor. She used to come in and give them a good night kiss, a smile ever-present on her lips, even as they got older and started turning their head away when she leaned forward. 

 

She isn’t smiling now. 

Five isn’t sure if she can, if she is programmed for anything else than  _ motherly _ ,  but she nearly looks sad, letting her hand brush over their desk. She picks up the photo of them and Vanya, goofy smiles on their faces as they stare at the photographer and it hits Five that Grace had been the one taking the photo. 

Who else really?

 

There’s the irrational urge in them to call out to their mum, to let her hug them and promise them it would all be fine. But nothing’s fine, so Five just watches on, holding their breath. 

 

Grace looks at the photo and yes, now she’s smiling but it doesn’t seem right, not as genuine. Five has never seen her like this. She walks towards their bed sitting down on it with her back ramrod straight, one leg over the other, the frame in her hand. Five can’t see her face like this but her fingers keep brushing over the glass. Maybe over their face. 

 

She stays like that for a long time and Five watches her, ignoring the slow pain that starts blooming where their spine hits the back of the closet or the tingling in their leg as it falls asleep.

They just watch on, mesmerized.  

After what feels like forever Grace stands up, carefully setting the photograph back down, at the exact same place it was before. She breathes in audibly and to Five it nearly sounds like she’s sniffling, but that’s not possible. 

 

She’s out the door before Five can think too hard about it. 

 

* * *

Five spends the time until the others come back on Vanya’s bed again, tossing a tennis ball from one hand to the other - that one they stole from Luther’s room, but hey, it’s not like they don’t plan on giving it back. They’re tempted to throw the ball against the wall, have it bounce back to catch it again, but that would make too much noise and Five isn’t interested in Grace finding them after they just narrowly avoided detection. 

 

It doesn’t matter anyway because soon Vanya is storming through the door, not even looking at them as she rummages through a drawer. Five is up in an instant, gripping her arm before she can disappear again, medikit clutched in her hand. 

 

“What happened?” Panic floods through them, squeezing their heart. This isn’t unfamiliar; Five remembers getting hurt on a mission, cuts deep enough they require stitches. They remember Grace prodding at them, hands cool as they clean the wound, Vanya handing her the utensils. 

Usually, nothing too grave ever happened and Vanya doesn’t seem to be too agitated, but Five can’t shake the unease, the cold shiver rolling down their back. 

They just got everyone back, they can’t lose them again.

 

Vanya shrugs Five off. “It’s nothing. Klaus didn’t pay attention.” Five thinks of Klaus’ bloodshot eyes, his shaking hands. It doesn’t surprise them. 

Vanya smiles at them. “Don’t worry. Maybe it won’t even leave a scar.” 

 

And she’s gone. 

 

It takes a while until someone cares to fill Five in, sitting in Vanya’s room, patiently waiting, hands pressed under their thighs. But everyone’s probably busy sitting around Klaus’ bed. Or training. If it’s really not that bad, there’s no chance Dad allows the others to slack off. Especially if it happened because Klaus wasn’t paying attention. 

 

In their head though, there’s blood dripping onto the floor and people crying, a pale wrist hanging off a bed….

 

The jump is involuntarily, their emotions getting the better of them, which hasn’t happened in years. But there they are, in Klaus’ room, blinking at Ben, who stares back, eyes wide. 

 

“Jesus, Five! Warn a guy next time, yeah?” Ben’s hand is covering his chest, like he’s recovering from a heart attack. Five looks around, taking in the chair Ben’s sitting on, next to Klaus’ bed. The one Klaus is laying in, eyes closed. There’s a bandage wrapped around his head, his hair sticking out of it here and there. 

The blanket is drawn up until his chest, his arms laying on top of the covers. One of his hands is covered by Ben’s. 

 

“Where are the others?” Five steps closer, standing next to Ben and looking down to Klaus. His breathing is even and Five’s eyes are glued to the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest. They relax. 

 

“Supper. Mum let me stay here and keep an eye on Klaus. I wasn’t hungry anyway.” Ben tips his head back. “Being dead kinda does that to you.” 

 

“Is it weird being alive again?” Five wondered for some time now, curious if Ben also felt so out of place - even more so, at least Five never got resurrected so to say - but they never got around to ask. 

Maybe because asking in front of the others didn’t feel right, like they wouldn’t understand. Hell, Five barely understands and they’re all to familiar with the feeling of longing, of being stuck somewhere, desperate to rewind time. 

Granted Ben would even want to do that, given the chance. 

 

Ben’s eyes flick over to Klaus. He stays silent for a bit before standing up, gesturing towards the door. Five nods. They give Klaus another once-over - _ ‘just making sure’  _ \- before following Ben out the door and down the hallway. 

 

Ben disappears into a room, leaving the door open behind him. Five stops in the doorway. “Allison’s room?” 

 

Ben shrugs, already sitting down in front of Allison’s dresser. “My mattress is still in Vanya’s room, isn’t it?”

 

“So you’re staying at Allison’s?” 

 

“Klaus wasn’t interested in seeing me for a while there.” Ben tinkers with some of Allison’s makeup, opening and closing the lid of what Five believes to be blush. Five doesn’t dwell on how their fingers start itching at the sight. Maybe, after all this is over, they could ask Allison for a favour like that, but not right now. 

 

Ben snaps the blush shut again, hard enough Five is afraid he may have actually broken it. “Probably still doesn’t wanna see me, to be honest. Besides, Allison understands.”

 

That surprises Five more than it probably should. There is a lot more compassion in Allison than she used to let on when they were younger, more concerned with training for interviews and practising her smile in front of a mirror. 

Five likes this Allison way more. 

 

“How is being alive then?” 

Five strolls into the room, keeping their voice nonchalant as they sit down on the edge of Allison’s bed. It’s unmade, probably the exact same it was when Diego woke up her (and apparently Ben) to come to Vanya’s room, which makes it weirdly intimate. Like Five’s seeing something they shouldn’t, peeking behind Allison’ perfect exterior without her consent. 

 

Ben doesn’t seem to feel the same way, pushing out of the chair to flop down next to Five. He presses his face into Allison’s pillow and groans and Five laughs despite themself. Out of all of their siblings, they missed Ben most in the apocalypse. 

 

Ben blindly reaches out, slapping their thigh. “Hush you,” he says, but it’s muffled from the pillow, so he turns on his back instead. He leaves his hand on Five’s thigh though, palm open, and Five takes it gingerly. 

 

Ben’s other arm is propping his head up, staring at the ceiling. There are glow stars in Ben’s room. Five used to count them when him and Ben were hanging out in his room, Ben reading a book and Five complaining about their Father and his  _ “shit rules, really Ben, like I’m not ready for time travel. The old man’s just jealous that he can’t do it himself.” _

 

Maybe Ben used to count them when he couldn’t fall asleep. Five hopes it helped. 

 

Ben’s clearing his throat, gripping Five’s hand tighter. “Honestly? It’s shit. My limbs keep falling asleep because I forget that I need to actually use them, I keep bingeing food and puking it out again because I’m not used to it and sometimes, I walk against doors because I keep thinking I can just walk through.” 

 

Five snorts. “Sounds pretty normal to me. You used to be quite clumsy as far as I remember.” That earns them another smack, but Ben doesn’t actually let go of Five, so he mostly just raises their joined hands and let them drop back onto Five’s thigh half-heartedly. 

 

“I’m not the one who ran against the kitchen table hard enough to bruise their knee.” Five makes an affronted noise and Ben laughs. 

 

“That was one time and it only happened because I was still trying to get a grasp on my powers, you dick.”

 

“It happened, so it counts.”

 

Both of them chuckle lightly before quieting down, not looking at each other. Five rubs their thumb over Ben’s hand, frowning. They turn their head slightly. “There must be some benefits too, right? Can’t be all bad, being alive.” 

 

_ ‘Please say yes, please say yes, please say-’ _

 

“I don’t know.” Ben meets their eyes. “This is nice for example,” he says, squeezing Five’s hand. “Being able to touch people again. Going places. Doing things.” He turns his head away. “Talking to someone other than Klaus.” 

 

Five thinks about that for a moment. A week after Ben glued the stars to the ceiling, Klaus got the same ones. But to Five they never seemed as bright as Ben’s.

 

“Maybe one of you needs the other more.” Five pulls at Ben’s hand lightly. “I don’t think it’s you.” 

They wait until Ben looks at them again, smiling down at him. “And that’s okay.”

 

Ben smiles too but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “I just feel like I’m letting him down. Like he expects things I can’t do. Promises I can’t keep.” 

 

There’s that image in Five’s head, a quick flash, but there all the same. A body at the foot of a building, blood seeping out around it like a flower blooming. But no one’s there to see the art in it. 

No one’s left to count the stars on the ceiling. 

 

“I am afraid to die again, Five.” It’s too loud in the room, booming, even though Ben is whispering. Five’s eyes sting, but they swallow the tears, push them down. Push them next to the other things they try not to think about. 

It’s getting harder though. 

 

“Do you hear me? I don’t wanna die again but I’m also fucking scared of staying alive!” Ben throws his head back against the mattress once, twice. He scoffs. “What is wrong with me?”

 

“It’s all gonna be fine.” Five doesn’t know why they sound so sure of themself but they do. Ben scoffs again, equal parts angry and surprised. Five pins him with a stare. “It will.”

 

“Yeah? How do you know that?” Ben closes his eyes when Five keeps staring at him but Five shakes his shoulder with the hand that’s not holding onto him anyway. He opens them again. 

 

“Because I am here this time. I won’t let it happen.” Five means it. This time around, they will save them. All of them. 

 

Ben doesn’t agree, but he also doesn’t argue so Five keeps it at that. They know this won’t solve all of Ben’s problems - there was a reason he jumped off that roof in the first place - but Five will try. 

And try and try and try until at least  _ Ben’s _ blood isn’t staining their skin anymore. 

 

Five waits for Ben to say some more but he doesn’t. Only let’s Five play with his hand, staring at the ceiling. They keep quiet for a bit, each one caught up in their own thoughts. 

 

Five should check if the glow stars are still there. 

 

“You know, it’s weird.” Ben’s tone is conversational now, like nothing happened, and Five knows that he doesn’t wanna talk about it anymore. That’s okay. Five won’t forget though. Not this time.

“I used to have nightmares about all the missions we went on. I remembered them down to every detail, even after I died. It’s like  _ they _ were haunting  _ me _ . And yet...I don’t remember this one at all.”

 

Ben takes his hand back, wriggling out of Five’s grip to lean up on his elbows. “Maybe coming back to life fucked with your head,” Five comments but Ben shakes his head, not even taking the bait. 

 

“I definitely would’ve remembered Klaus getting hurt.”

 

_ ‘I’m not an inconsiderate asshole like you’ _  is left unsaid, but Five is almost certain Ben thinks it. 

Ben never hesitated to call him out on his behaviour, though never in front of the others. 

Five had liked that, had felt special because Ben wasn’t just ‘sweet’ Ben, ‘gullible’ Ben around them, but  _ more _ . Like he deemed Five worthy of being himself in front of them.

 

Maybe it was time Five returned the favour. 

 

“Ben…,” they start but they’ve waited for too long. Ben is already at the door again, clearly more concerned about Klaus well-being than Five and their weird problems. _ ‘Like he should be.’ _

 

“Five?” Ben has one hand on the doorknob, but he’s waiting for whatever Five has to say. Five is tempted for a second, just blurting it out, pushing it out there for the world to see.

 

They shake their head though. “It’s nothing.” 

Ben nods, although they don’t seem to believe Five. He walks back to them, crouching down in front of Five. 

 

“Let’s make a deal, yeah?” Ben has that glint in his eyes, the one he used to have when he tried to get Five to sneak into the kitchen with him after curfew. Or the attic. 

The one he used to have before Dad and him started his one-on-one training and he stopped getting himself and Five in trouble. Stopped smiling too. 

Five used to be mad Ben never offered an explanation, but maybe the real problem was that they never asked. 

No one ever asked and then it was too late. 

 

“What deal?” Five ignores how badly their hands are shaking. Ignores how clammy they are. Instead, they focus on Ben smiling at them. 

 

“Easy. You look after me and I look after you.” Ben holds out his hand for Five to shake. “We got each other’s backs. Okay?”

 

Five looks at Ben’s outstretched hand. For one second, they’re convinced that as soon as they touch Ben he’ll disappear like he never was there. Leaving Five all alone. 

Or that the blood on Five’s hands somehow crawls up Ben’s arm, up, up,  _ up _ , closing around his throat and choking him out. 

 

But then they realize that Ben also has blood on his hands, although for different reasons. That he’d already killed people when Five still thought there was something like good guys and bad guys and that they belonged to the good guys, no question. 

 

They take Ben’s hand, gripping his arm with their other hand. Holding on tight. 

 

“Okay.”

 

* * *

Ben and Five split up in the hallway, Ben going back to Klaus (“At least until he wakes up and tells me to get lost.”) and Five heading back to Vanya’s room, positive that everyone is still in the living room, eating in the utter silence Dad always demanded of everyone. 

 

But when they approach the door, there are voices coming from inside the room, muffled. Five doesn’t understand any words, but it sounds urgent, someone whispering something at a fast pace. It has to be one of their brothers with how low the voice is, but Ben and Klaus are out, so that only leaves Diego or Luther. Maybe they’re talking to each other?

 

But the person who answers sounds like a girl, sounds like Vanya, which makes sense since this _ is _ her room, the exact one Five is standing in front of like a dumbass, eavesdropping. Which in turn makes no sense at all because it’s not like Vanya isn’t allowed to talk to other people. Five just happens to be around her most - if not all - of the time ever since they got here and maybe it’s a bit jarring to realize that Five’s world may revolve around Vanya but not necessarily the other way around. 

 

Or maybe they’re just thinking too much about this. 

 

There’s a shriek coming from the room, high-pitched and shrill, and Five is inside it in the blink of an eye, facing the bed with their arms raised. Ready to fight. 

 

“You look like a dumbass,” Diego says, looking at Five with his chin on Vanya’s shoulder. They’re hugging, sitting cross-legged on the bed, Vanya having her back to Five. 

She turns around, grinning. 

 

“Hi Five!” She sounds happy, not at all like she was about to be attacked and horribly mutilated. Five lowers their arms so fast they nearly pull something. Diego snorts and Five blushes. 

 

“I thought you were in trouble,” they look at Vanya, ignoring Diego. “I heard you screaming.”

 

Vanya turns fully towards Five now, letting go of Diego. Diego keeps his arm around her waist though as she tilts her head. “I didn’t scream.”

 

Both of them look at Diego.

 

“Not. A word.” 

 

Five laughs so hard, they actually fall onto the mattress. 

 

* * *

“Hey Diego.”

 

“What? I swear if you make f-fun of me again-”

 

“No, no!” Five chuckles but raises their hands immediately when they see the glare Diego fixes them with. He’s still sitting on Vanya’s bed, alone now though because Vanya decided to go check on Klaus before getting ready for bed. She’d asked if they wanted to come with, but they both shook their head.

Five has no idea why Diego doesn’t want to see their brother but Five simply doesn’t think Klaus would want them there. So they don’t push it. 

 

They just kept laying on the mattress, strumming their fingers on their stomach and occasionally trying to get a rise out of Diego. Which is too fucking easy anyway.

Five briefly wonders where Allison and Luther could be. Maybe Luther is with Dad. They hope he isn’t. Maybe he’s talking to Allison, working out the issues between them. Five would prefer that.

 

“Hey Diego.”

 

“Five, I swear to G-, to God, I will hit you-” 

 

“What were you talking about with Vanya anyway?” 

 

“That’s not your buh-business,” Diego says immediately. When Five glances over at him, he has his arms crossed, scowl on his face. Five forgot how touchy Diego was about certain topics. Like his feelings. Or their mother. 

 

Five backpedals immediately. “Sorry, you’re right.” They smile at Diego, even though Diego still looks pissed. “I guess I was just glad you two were talking at all. I can imagine you got pretty mad about Vanya’s book.”

 

Five leaves it at that, not pushing any further. Letting Diego choose whether he wants to talk or not. They’re content laying there in silence, arms behind their head. 

Slowly, Diego relaxes, uncrossing his arms.

 

He sighs, pinching his nose. “Yeah, you’re right.” He shifts on the bed, scooting towards the edge. “I was furious when I read the book. I felt like she was betraying us, betraying me.” Diego looks over at Five, arms on either side of his body, tightly gripping the bed sheets. 

 

“I felt like she doesn’t care that we’re f-f-family. Or that we suffered too.” He laughs, an angry, chopped up sound, that doesn’t fit child Diego at all. But this isn’t child Diego, not really anyway.

 

“I used to be jealous of the Diego d-descri-, the Diego in her book, isn’t that wuh-weird?” Five draws their eyebrows together but doesn’t comment. Diego keeps going anyway. 

“It sounded like he came out of the per-, the perfect family, with an accepting Father and s-siblings who were all there for him. Not at all like that fuck-fucked up guy who always got scolded for spending too much time with his muh-mother or who used to -  _ still  _ \- starts f-fights with his buh-brother because just once he wants to be the f-favourite child, just once he wants to hear  _ ‘I’m proud of you’ _ , is that too m-, too much to ask for?” Diego’s face is red, hands clenched together so tightly, his knuckles turn white. 

 

Silence. 

 

“You have accepting siblings,” Five tries, but they know they fucked up when Diego kicks his legs out from under him like he’s about to go. To run. 

 

“You used to make fun of my st-stutter all the time.” 

 

“Not in a mean way though,” Five protests but Diego is already waving their words aside. 

 

“Doesn’t matter now anyway. We t-talked about it, yeah? Vanya and I. She-, She explained why she did it, that she didn’t really think about-, think about us, more about getting back at Dad and letting all the anger out. And I-,” Diego swallows audibly, cracking his knuckles. He breathes in deeply.

 

“I apologised for insulting her all the time.” 

 

Diego looks to Five like he’s waiting for them to scold him, tell him what a dick he is for mistreating their sister. But Five isn’t really the double-standard kinda person, not with the way they snickered when Vanya was being reprimanded by their Father still fresh in their mind. 

 

So they only nod, shifting so they can sit across from Diego, legs tucked under themself. Diego is still looking. Five shrugs. “It’s good that you apologised.”

 

Diego mutters something that sounds like “I guess,” rubbing at his neck.

 

Five straightens their shoulders just as Diego relaxes again, biting their lip. “There’s something else,” they say, folding their hands in their lap. 

“A question I hoped you could maybe answer.”

 

“Shoot.” 

Diego reminds him so much of his adult self in that second, Five half-expects him to fiddle with the ever-present knife in his hand. But Diego was never allowed to have his knives outside of training or a mission as long as Five was around, so his hands are empty and it’s jarring, like Diego’s missing a limb. Or more of a finger. 

 

“I was just wondering,” Five steels themself, like the question shouldn’t be on the easier side of things, everything considered. “Did Mum ever miss me? Does she miss me  _ now? _ ”

Five nearly wants to defend themself. After all, it’s a normal question, Five’s just being curious.

And it’s not like they could go to the kitchen right now and ask Mum, like they weren’t gone for such a long time. Like it wouldn’t break their heart to hear her say no, tell Five she didn’t think about them at all. Maybe not even recognise them. 

 

Diego is silent for a moment, putting his hands flat on his knees, thinking. Remembering maybe, but there’s no need for that, not when Diego is living it right now. Living through it again. 

 

Finally, Diego speaks. “She never said anything, not to me and not to the others either. I think so at least.” Five stares at the wall, at the familiar clef on it, but Diego keeps talking. 

“That doesn’t have to mean anything. I think...I think she shows it differently. She keeps talking about you like you’re about to walk into the room in the next second. I mean, not that she doesn’t understand that you’re gone, it’s just…”

 

Five hears Diego sigh. “It’s just complicated.” 

 

Five thinks back to Mum in their room, eyes scanning every inch of it like she’s looking for them. Searching. They close their eyes, the sound of what under different circumstances may could be called crying in their ears. 

 

_ ‘Yeah. It’s complicated.’ _

 

“Yeah,” Five breathes out, barely there.

 

Then. 

 

“Hey Diego.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Your stutter got way better.”

 

Diego smiles.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Five should really ask Klaus what the fuck happened on that mission. 
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoyed this completely self-indulgent piece of writing and if so, please harass me in the comments. @anyone who is wondering: So far I have about 4 other parts of this series planned before it's done, so stay tuned. 
> 
> (Also parts of this are inspired by my friends beautiful Ben-centric fic, it's called Hang the blessed DJ and you should check it out!)

**Author's Note:**

> Oops.
> 
> Don't worry, the others will feature plentily in the next chapter, especially Klaus and Ben! (And don't worry, I haven't forgotten Allison).
> 
> Five, pushing Diego and Luther together: Admit that you love each other!  
> Diego and Luther: incoherent grumbling
> 
> Leave a comment or drop by to come yell at me on tumblr (I'm b-rainlet over there)!


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